


The Master of the Wicket

by aardvark_french



Series: The Emo Maguire Saga [11]
Category: Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), My Chemical Romance, Spider-Man (Movies - Raimi), The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb), The Good Place (TV), WandaVision (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - I'm Not Okay Video, Andrew Garfield is Spider-man, Bad Boys, Black Parade Era, Bullying, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Croquet, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Emo Peter Parker, F/M, Hot Topic, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, In-Jokes, M/M, Memes, Nerdiness, Polyamory, Prom, Psychology, Spoilers, Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge Era, Tobey Maguire is Spider-Man, agatha/frank is about as one-sided as it gets, all of the high school cliches, literally why did i write 8000 words of spider-man playing croquet, what hell yeah what
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 15:07:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30141402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aardvark_french/pseuds/aardvark_french
Summary: Tobey Maguire and Torgo are two perfectly ordinary high school students at Pencey Prep Academy, but they like D&D, Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, Harry Houdini, and croquet, so face it, they’re never going to make it. Meanwhile, Frank, Gerard, Mikey, and Tahani wonder what the hell happened to the thick-legged satyr and their friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.The unholy high school AU that literally no one asked for.
Relationships: Agatha Harkness/Frank Iero, Agatha Harkness/Harry Styles, Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Tobey Maguire, Frank Iero/Tobey Maguire/Gerard Way, Tahani Al-Jamil/Torgo (Manos: The Hands of Fate), Tobey Maguire/Gerard Way
Series: The Emo Maguire Saga [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2095386
Comments: 4
Kudos: 3





	The Master of the Wicket

“WHERE IS MY AUNT?!?!?” Tobey Maguire screamed at Agatha Harkness, who was casually resting her feet on top of Aunt May’s desk. 

All Tobey wanted was to visit his aunt, to see if she might be able to give Ray Torgo one of her inspiring pep talks, to deliver her that precious bag of dried mangoes, but that wasn’t what had happened when he walked into the therapist’s office. Instead, his kindly old aunt was nowhere to be found, and he was staring at the Wicked Witch of Westview. 

At least she had an incredibly catchy theme song.

“Oh dear,” Agatha said as she stroked the most dangerous villain of them all, the epitome of evil, a creature more foul and sinful than the Devil himself: an adorable bunny wabbit named Señor Scratchy. “Looks like you’re going to have to find out the hard way.” Tobey and Torgo both looked at her, confused, while Agatha simply smiled and said, “Good thing I’ve been looking for some new croquet players.” 

Tobey wasn’t sure what was going on, but his Spider-Sense was tingling, so he shot a web toward Agatha. However, he wasn’t nearly fast enough. Before the web hit her, Agatha waved her hand, and all of a sudden, everything went black. 

When Tobey woke up, he was dressed in a school uniform: white collared shirt, gray slacks, red and blue tie, navy blazer, and the world’s dorkiest pair of glasses. He looked around for a moment at his surroundings - the books stacked up to the ceiling, the stern librarian, his good friend Ray spinning around in a swivel chair, the other students studying, sleeping, and/or slow dancing - and when he looked down at the insignia on his blazer, he saw that it read “Pencey Preparatory Academy: Ego Non Bene.”

“Hey Tobey?” Ray said, still spinning around in his swivel chair. “Could you get me a copy of Space Raptor Butt Invasion?” 

“Sure,” Tobey said, but when he searched around the library for the book, he found that the dinosaur-themed erotic novel was on the top shelf, where no student could ever reach it. After wondering how he was ever going to get Ray his daily dose of Chuck Tingle, Tobey jumped onto the shelf and stuck to it while Ray watched in awe. 

As Tobey climbed up the shelf, he thought about his life so far. He was a nerd, the sort of kid who was right at home studying physics in the school library. In fact, the only thing he loved more than letting the popular kids copy off of his math homework was croquet. 

Oh, and the queen bee of Pencey Prep, Agatha Harkness, punched him in the face once. It was awesome. 

Other than that, Tobey didn’t know much about himself. He wasn’t sure which year he was in, what his family was like, or if he had any friends other than the boy with the glorious ‘fro, but for now, that didn’t concern him. This was his home now. 

Just as Tobey reached the top shelf and tossed Ray a copy of Space Raptor Butt Invasion, along with Turned Gay By The Existential Dread That I May Actually Be A Character In A Chuck Tingle Book just for good measure, the bell suddenly started to ring. “Oh crap,” Ray said. “We have to go to class.” 

Tobey frantically climbed down the bookshelf, grabbed his backpack, and ran off to math class with Ray. While the two of them quietly walked down the hall, ignoring the short-skirted cheerleaders, the jerk jocks in letterman jackets, and the fact that all of the students at Pencey Prep appeared to be at least 25, they listened to the announcements broadcasted over the PA system. 

“Attention all students - please be aware that sonic screwdrivers are no longer allowed in classrooms. Juniors and seniors, don’t forget to buy tickets for the school prom, A Night of Heroes, prior to this weekend, and we would again like to recognize Prom Queen Agatha Harkness for her accomplishments of achieving a perfect SAT score, earning an Olympic gold medal in cheerleading, writing a best-selling novel, and being recognized by her fellow students as Least Likely To Actually Be A 350-Year-Old Wicked Witch. Have a great day, and go Mighty Shrimp!” 

All of a sudden, Tobey accidentally ran into one of the jocks. “Hey, punk!” the jock shouted as he slammed Tobey against a locker. “Watch where you’re going!” 

“I...I’m so sorry…” Tobey said, but the jock just stole his lunch money and ran. Tobey sighed and accepted his fate - after all, what could he do? It was just another miserable day at Pencey Prep Academy. 

Meanwhile, at Frank Iero’s house in New Jersey, Gerard sat on the couch, playing with one of Frank’s 31 trillion dogs, while Frank took a nap. As one of the dogs licked Frank’s face, Gerard took out his sketchbook and started drawing. “What are you working on?” Frank asked as he took his eye bra off of his eye boobs and then looked over Gerard’s shoulder. 

“Just a drawing of you,” Gerard said as he gazed into Frank’s brown eyes. “You look so cute right now, Frank.” 

“I’m sure it’s just because of the puppies,” Frank said as he cuddled one of his doggos. 

“No, I think it’s you,” Gerard said as he inched closer to his bandmate. Frank then pressed his lips to Gerard’s, and Gerard soon unzipped the rhythm guitarist’s jacket, revealing a T-shirt that read “I <3 Gerard.” 

“Aww,” Gerard said, smiling. “I love you too, Frankie.” 

“I love you with every inch of my body, Gee.” 

Gerard glanced toward his pint-sized boyfriend and decided not to comment on that. Instead, he pressed himself up against Frank again, but this time, Frank backed away. “Don’t you think we should wait for Tobey?” he said. “He’s supposed to be back from the healing circle soon.” 

“Yeah, you’re right,” Gerard said as he collapsed onto the couch and went back to working on his drawing. However, when he glanced toward the clock, he saw that it was nearly six o’clock. Tobey was supposed to be home hours ago, but maybe there was a reasonable explanation for this. Maybe he was busy saving people, fighting crime, or delivering pizza. 

As Gerard and Frank wondered where their web-slinging boyfriend was, the phone rang, and Frank picked it up and answered with, “Owowolololol?” 

“Hello there, Frank,” Tahani Al-Jamil said in her posh British accent. “I was wondering if you had any idea where Torgo is? He was supposed to be home hours ago, and my good friend Neil Breen is here, and he’s just dying to meet my husband...” 

“Yeah, I don’t know where he is,” Frank admitted. 

“Is Tobey home?” Tahani asked. 

“No, but he’s probably just picking up pizza,” Frank said. “I’m sure he’ll be home soon.” 

“Okay,” Tahani said. “It’s just that I don’t think anyone’s been this late to one of my parties since my good friend The Doctor went to the wrong planet by accident. Anyways, if you see Torgo, tell him to save room for my French macaron tower. Then again, if he doesn’t come home soon, he might have to settle for Neil’s buffalo sauce…” 

Tahani sighed and then hung up, while Frank stroked his puppy’s fur, turned on his favorite horror movie, and snuggled up next to MCR’s ridiculously beautiful lead singer. “I miss Tobey already,” Frank said. 

“Don’t worry, Frankie,” Gerard said. “I’m sure he’ll be home soon.” 

Except he never came home. 

Weeks went by, and despite Frank and Gerard’s constant attempts to search for their boyfriend, Tobey was nowhere to be found. The two of them traced his steps, stopping by the New York City Mental Health Center every single day to see if there was any trace of Torgo or Tobey, but they never found anything. It was as if the two of them had disappeared into thin air. 

Life just wasn’t the same without the wall-crawler and the bearded satyr. MCR couldn’t hold band practice without Ray Torgo, and Gerard and Frank felt like there was a Tobey Maguire-shaped hole in their relationship. Tahani was even worse off: she still had her parties and fundraisers, but she had no one to share it with, no one to love, no one to keep her from going off the deep end and toppling a statue of her sister at the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. They were all hopelessly lonely, and their only wish was to have Tobey and Torgo in their lives once again. 

Two weeks after their mysterious disappearance, Mikey had a brilliant idea. “Maybe we can talk to the Daily Bugle,” he suggested. “They might know more than us about what happened to Torgo and Tobey.” 

“That’s a great idea, Mikey,” Gerard said to his younger brother. “Let’s go do that.” 

That afternoon, Gerard, Mikey, Frank, and Tahani walked into the Daily Bugle offices, and sure enough, they found J. Jonah Jameson Jr. yelling at a lowly reporter. “Is that a picture of a sponge?!” he shouted. “You’re fired!” He then turned to Tahani and the remaining members of MCR and shouted, “And you’re fired too!” 

“I don’t think any of them work here…” the reporter said. 

Jameson looked back at the four of them, and he smiled. “Wait a second, you’re Kamilah’s sister!” he said. “I went to your party last month - it couldn’t have been better. The decorations were so picturesque...how did you come up with the hands theme though?” 

“My husband came up with it,” Tahani explained. “It was...based on something he saw when he was younger.” 

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” Jameson said. “Tell Kamilah I’m a big fan, by the way. Her last record was just incredible - it’s won Best Pop Album, Best Rock Album, Best Rap Album, Best Country Album, Best Neoclassical Punk Zydeco Rockabilly Album, and Album of the Millennium here at the Daily Bugle.” 

Tahani was seething inside, but she didn’t let it show. Instead, she let Gerard take over the conversation. “We actually came here to ask you about Spider-Man,” he said. 

“Ah, yes,” Jameson said. “The arachnid menace.” 

“And also Torgo,” Tahani interjected, tears starting to fill her eyes. “I haven’t seen him in weeks…” 

“I don’t know anyone named Torgo,” Jameson said. “Spider-Man...we haven’t seen him in weeks, but then again, the photographer who usually takes pictures of him hasn’t shown up in a while. I think he might be on vacation.” Jameson sighed and then added, “There’s been so much crime in New York since Spider-Man disappeared...all of these thugs running rampant, pizzas getting stolen left and right, I think Waluigi might have tried to take over the world again...and if Spider-Man were here, maybe he could stop it. Spider-Man...was a hero. I just couldn’t see it.” 

“Well, I’m just a man, not a hero, but Spider-Man’s different,” Gerard said. “He’s always been a hero, and I miss him so far…” 

“It’s the collision of his kiss that made it so hard,” Frank said as he cried on Gerard’s shoulder.

“Now’s not the time for quoting MCR lyrics, you two,” Mikey said. He then turned to Jameson and said, “Thanks for your help.” 

However, J. Jonah Jameson wasn’t paying any attention - he’d long since gone back to yelling at one of his reporters. Tahani, Gerard, Frank, and Mikey all left the building, and as they headed home, Gerard complained, “That didn’t help at all.”

“Wait, didn’t Frank get spider powers once?” Mikey said. “Maybe he can be Spider-Man until we figure out what happened to Tobey.” 

“I had spider powers?!” Frank said, panicked. 

“You bit Tobey, but I dunked your head in Brain Bleach so you forgot about it,” Mikey explained. 

When Tahani saw the expression on Frank’s face, she laughed. “I haven’t seen someone so scared since my good friend Winnie the Pooh met my other good friend Cthulhu.” 

“Spiders are scary!” Frank exclaimed, looking like he was about to cry. 

“But they only want to be your friends,” Gerard said. “Like Tobey. Well, he wants to be more than just your friend, but you get the idea.” 

“That’s different,” Frank insisted. 

“He’s basically part spider,” Gerard said. 

“And the spider part of him is scary!” 

“Wait a minute,” Tahani said. “I have an idea.” 

“What is it?” Mikey asked. 

“I think it’s about time we visit an old friend of mine.” 

As Gerard, Mikey, and Frank followed Tahani through the streets of New York City, Tobey and Ray were on the croquet court. Ray looked at the ball, took a deep breath, and struck it with his mallet, but he hit the ball far too hard, and it went flying. 

“Tobey!” he exclaimed. “I don’t know where my ball went!” 

“I missed the part where that’s my problem,” Tobey said, but nevertheless, he latched his web onto one of the wickets and tossed the tiny hoop across the court. He then used his Spider-Sense to locate Ray’s ball and dropped the wicket right in front of it. The ball rolled through the wicket, scoring Ray a point. 

Ray gave Tobey a high-five and then told him, “It’s your turn.” 

“Actually, I have an appointment with the guidance counselor,” he said. 

“Why?” Ray asked. 

“You know, college stuff,” Tobey said. 

“Oh okay,” Ray said as he slung his croquet mallet over his shoulder. “I’ll see you at lunch then.” 

“See you later, Ray,” Tobey said. He then put away his croquet mallet and headed straight to the guidance counselor’s office, narrowly avoiding being shoved into a locker by one of the popular kids. 

He was a little early to his appointment, so he waited inside while the guidance counselor talked to Agatha Harkness. “You’re telling me I’ve been accepted to both Harvard and Yale, Ms. Parker?” she said. 

“Please, just call me May,” the guidance counselor said. “But yes, that’s exactly it. Congratulations, Agatha.” 

“But May!” she exclaimed. “My parents want me to go to Yale, but my boyfriend has already committed to Harvard! What ever will I do?!” 

The two of them went on like that for a while, and when Agatha finally left the office, Tobey walked in. “Hi Tobey,” the guidance counselor said with a smile. “How are you today?” 

“I’m okay,” Tobey said as he sat down to face May, taking in her snow white hair and her friendly smile. 

“That’s good to hear,” she said. “So let’s talk about options for college. I see that you have an SAT score of -42…” 

Tobey cringed - after all, he’d only gotten a score that low because Agatha had switched his test with hers. “I’m planning to re-take it next month,” he told May. 

“Of course,” May said. “You’ll have to get that score up so that you can go to Harvard with Agatha and her boyfriend. We can’t have students going to state schools or community colleges or - God forbid - small Midwestern liberal arts colleges!” 

Tobey nodded, but when he looked at the guidance counselor, he got a strange feeling, as if he’d known May in a past life. No, it was more than that. She was someone who had always been there for him, someone who cared about him, someone who loved him unconditionally. She was the only family he had left. 

“Aunt May?” Tobey said. 

“Excuse me?” May said. 

Tobey blushed. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Sometimes, I call teachers ‘aunt’ by accident. I even did it to the headmaster once. It’s embarrassing, I know.” 

Tobey slumped back into his chair, wishing that he could disappear, but by the time the appointment was over, he’d forgotten all about his humiliating slip-up. He headed straight for the cafeteria, and once he had his food, he went outside and sat next to Ray, feeling like yet another cog in the murder machine. 

Meanwhile, Tahani, Frank, Gerard, and Mikey found themselves at a skatepark, the one where all of the quasi-hipster outcasts hung out. “Are you sure we’re in the right place?” Frank asked. 

“I’m sure,” Tahani said. “Look! There he is!”

She waved to one of the skateboarders, and sure enough, he rolled to a stop, smiled, and walked over to her. “Hi Tahani,” he said. “Good to see you again.” 

“Andrew Garfield?” Gerard said. 

“Yeah, that’s me,” Andrew said as he took off his headphones. 

“Ooh, what are you listening to?” Frank asked, a little concerned that Tahani had brought them to see the man who had once tried to kill Gerard and Tobey, even if he had since returned to the Neutral Good category on the D&D Alignment Chart. 

“Coldplay,” Andrew said. 

“Good choice,” Tahani said. 

“Even it is about the furthest you can possibly get from skate punk,” Mikey said. 

“By the way, if you ever want a private concert, I’m good friends with…” 

“What are you guys doing here?” Andrew interrupted. 

Gerard teared up as he said, “Tobey...he....he…” 

“Listen, I don’t want anything to do with Tobey,” Andrew said. “I’m trying to give him some space after what happened with the Queen of England. With great power comes great responsibility, and...Tobey was right. I wasn’t responsible. So I think he should be Spider-Man for a while...”

“Tobey’s gone, Andrew,” Tahani explained. 

“Wait, really?” 

“Torgo and Tobey went to visit Tobey’s aunt one day, and they just disappeared out of nowhere,” Tahani said as she started to tear up as well. “We...we were wondering if you could help us figure out what happened to them.” 

“But I can’t help you,” Andrew said. “I’m Spider-Man no more.” 

“That doesn’t mean you can’t help us,” Tahani said. She paused, and her eyes drifted to the piece of red fabric peeking out from under Andrew’s shirt. “Are you sure you’re not Spider-Man anymore?” 

“I like wearing the suit sometimes,” Andrew admitted. 

“Please, Andrew?” Tahani said. “We need your help.” 

“Well, I have always wanted to be Spider-Man,” Andrew said with a smile. “And if Tobey really is gone…” All of a sudden, he sprinted away, and a few minutes later, he swung in on his web, wearing his Spider Suit. “I’m back!” Andrew exclaimed. “And my Spider-Sense is tingling - I think there might be something happening on the Upper East Side. Follow me!” 

Gerard, Tahani, and Mikey ran after Andrew, while Frank sprinted with his tiny little legs in a desperate attempt to keep up with others. Eventually, Andrew landed his web in front of a seemingly abandoned prep school. 

“I’m confused,” Mikey said. “It’s just a school, right?” 

Andrew shrugged and said, “All I know is that my Spidey-Sense goes crazy whenever I’m near this place.”

“Let’s go check it out!” Frank exclaimed. He ran toward the school, but he only made it a few feet before he suddenly fell backwards, as if there was an invisible wall in his way. 

“Are you okay, Frankie?” Gerard asked as he cradled his boyfriend. 

“Trust me, I’m okay,” Frank said. He stumbled to his feet, but when he looked back at the school, he saw a group of twenty-somethings in letterman jackets walking by, carrying basketballs instead of backpacks. “That’s weird.” 

“What’s going on?” Mikey asked, but soon, everyone noticed the people on the other side of the wall. 

“Wait a second,” Tahani said as she looked toward the empty parking lot. “There’s Torgo! He’s okay!” She grinned and then looked closer and said, “I think Tobey’s there with him.”

“TOBEYYYYYYY!!!!!” Gerard screamed. For a moment, Tobey glanced in his direction, and for some strange reason, he was wearing glasses and a school uniform. 

“Ray, do you hear that noise?” Tobey asked. 

“What noise?” Torgo asked. He was in disguise as Ray Toro again, and his uniform was identical to Tobey’s. 

“Someone’s shouting my name,” Tobey said. 

Of course, this only encouraged Gerard, Frank, Mikey, Tahani, and Andrew to keep on chanting, “TORGO! TOBEY! TORGO! TOBEY! TORGO! TOBEY!” 

Eventually, the two of them started walking closer to the edge of the property. “It’s probably just one of Agatha’s friends trying to prank us again,” Tobey said. 

“Like that time she threw her sandwich at us?” Ray said. 

“Or that time her boyfriend dumped an entire can of sparkling water on my head?” 

“Or that time he got the entire football team to beat me up for no reason?” 

“Hey, at least you only get bullied by the popular kids,” Tobey said. “Not even the nerds will sit next to me on the school bus.” He sighed and then said, “It’s a little childish and stupid, but then again, so is high school.” 

All of a sudden, Ray looked toward his bandmates, and he turned to Tobey and said, “Oh, it’s not Agatha and her friends after all. It’s...actually, I don’t know who they are.” 

“Torgo, it’s me!” Tahani exclaimed from the other side of the wall. 

“I don’t know who Torgo is,” Ray said. “I’m Ray Toro, and this is my friend Tobey Maguire.” Tobey smiled slightly and waved, and Ray added, “We’re students at Pencey Prep Academy.” 

“Oh God,” Mikey said. “They think they’re high schoolers.” 

“Well, of course we think we’re high schoolers,” Ray said. “We are high schoolers.”

Tahani ignored them and said, “They must have been brainwashed, but...who did this to them?” 

“Tobey, I think they’ve gone mad,” Ray said. “Let’s leave.” Tobey nodded, and both of them walked away, but the others continued to speculate on what was going on. 

“It must have been that Agatha person,” Andrew said. “Why else would they constantly mention her?” 

“I think you’re right,” Gerard said before turning to his brother and smiling. “Mikey, grab as many buckets of Brain Bleach as you can find. We’re going to break Tobey and Torgo out of Pencey Prep once and for all.” 

Meanwhile, Tobey and Ray had just walked into health class. The only two empty seats were right in front of Agatha Harkness and her uber-popular football player boyfriend, but there wasn’t much they could do about that, so they took their seats and pulled out their textbooks. 

“Hey, losers,” Agatha said. “Let us copy off of your notes.” 

“Okay,” Tobey said as he pulled out his notebook and wrote down everything the teacher said.

After a few minutes, Ray turned to him and whispered, “So those people who walked by the school earlier…” 

“Yeah, that was weird,” Tobey said. He thought about how he’d felt when he’d seen them, and at first, he wasn’t sure if he should tell Ray, but he was his friend. He trusted him, so he took a deep breath and said, “I don’t know about you, but I got this weird déjà vu when I saw them, like I knew them in a past life…” 

“Me too,” Ray said. 

“Really?” Tobey said. “It was especially weird with the one with the white hair and the short one. It was like...it was like I was in love with them.” 

“I felt that way with the woman in the party dress,” Ray said. “She’s so pretty, like a sexy skyscraper…” 

“You talked to someone outside of Pencey Prep?” Agatha said, horrified. She then waved her hand, and all of a sudden, Tobey and Ray both went back to listening to the lecture. 

As Ray and Tobey carefully took notes on why they should never have sex (because if you have sex, you’ll get pregaganant and die), Gerard, Frank, Mikey, Tahani, and Andrew stood in front of the wall, carrying buckets of Brain Bleach. 

“Are you ready, Frank?” Gerard asked. 

“Oh, I’m there baby,” Frank said. 

“How about you, Mikey?” 

“Fuckin’ ready.” 

“I think I’m alright.” Gerard took a deep breath and shouted, “One, two, three, four!” 

All of them simultaneously sprinted toward the wall, and this time, they made it through the barrier. Mikey was about to splash some Brain Bleach on the nearest student, but before he could move a muscle, everything went black. 

When Frank, Gerard, Mikey, Andrew, and Tahani woke up, they were on the croquet court, and all of them dressed in school uniforms. Tobey and Ray were there too, mallets in hand as they set up the wickets. Mikey’s Brain Bleach bucket had somehow turned into an asthma inhaler, but no one seemed to notice or care. 

After a few moments, Gerard smiled and said, “Who’s ready for croquet practice?” 

Everyone cheered, and of course, practice went on as usual. Tobey was glad to have his friends here - after all, he couldn’t remember a time when Frank, Gerard, Mikey, and Ray hadn’t been proud members of the Pencey Prep Academy Croquet Team. Tahani and Andrew, on the other hand, had recently transferred here from the Royal School of Britishness, and when Tobey spotted Andrew using his web shooters to rearrange the wickets, he worried that Andrew might just steal his position as the captain of the team. 

While Andrew picked up a falling wicket with his web, Ray and Tahani gazed into each other’s eyes, but, of course, they could never be together. Ray was Tahani’s best friend’s brother, and she had promised that she would never, ever date her friend’s siblings, no matter how beautiful Ray’s smile was, no matter how badly she wanted to run her hands through his glorious ‘fro. 

All of a sudden, the bell rang, and Frank turned to Gerard and Tobey and said with a wink, “Are you ready for chemistry class?” 

“Actually, I have swim practice,” Gerard said. “And by swim practice, I mean standing on the blocks fully dressed.” 

Frank frowned, and with the rest of his friends in tow, he headed to chemistry class. As soon as they got there, the teacher announced lab partners for today: Andrew and Mikey, Ray and Tahani, and Frank and Tobey. 

“Oh good,” Frank said as he and Tobey walked into the lab. “I’m paired up with the smartest kid in school.” 

Tobey smiled slightly as butterflies fluttered in his stomach. He still couldn’t quite shake the feeling that he knew Frank from somewhere, some place other than Pencey Prep, but that was impossible. Frank had always been his croquet teammate and his friend, but nothing more than that. 

“Alright,” Tobey said as he opened up the lab manual. “So first, we’re supposed to put on gloves, chemical safety goggles, and a lab coat or apron…” Frank immediately threw on a pair of swim goggles and nodded. “And then we have to dilute the iodine solution in distilled water to make our titration solution…” Frank mixed together a few random chemicals, poured them into a beaker, and drank the result. “Frank!” Tobey exclaimed. “What are you doing?” 

All of a sudden, as he swallowed the last few drops of his chemical mixture, Frank realized exactly what was going on. 

He wasn’t a Pencey Prep student at all. He was Frank Iero, rhythm guitarist of My Chemical Romance, arachnophobe, dog lover, and proud New Jerseyan rat, and his lab partner was actually his beloved boyfriend, Tobey Maguire. They’d been brainwashed somehow, brainwashed by Agatha Harkness into acting out someone’s cliché high school AU fanfiction. 

And now, it was up to him to get his friends out of this mess. 

“Hey, this chemical tastes awesome!” Frank exclaimed as he held up his empty beaker. “Anyone else want to try?”

Everyone in the lab gave him a disgusted look, while Tobey pointed out, “Frank, it says no eating or drinking in the lab.” 

“But it’s yummy,” Frank said. “It tastes like pizza!” 

“Mr. Iero,” the science teacher said to him. “Detention after class for not following lab safety rules.” 

Frank frowned - it seemed like his attempt to free the others from Agatha’s spell had failed miserably. However, as he sat in detention later that day, stuck amongst the outcasts and the rebels, he saw a great opportunity, a chance to beat Agatha Harkness at her own game. 

He only had to embody the greatest high school trope of them all. 

The bad boy. 

So the next day, Frank showed up to school on his motorcycle, wearing a leather jacket over his uniform and covered in tattoos. All of the girls fawned over him as he parked his motorcycle outside of Pencey Prep, turned up the volume on the punk music playing through his headphones, and walked toward the coffee shop next to the school. 

Frank was unsurprised to see Gerard in line for coffee - even inside the anomaly, Frank’s boyfriend was nothing if not a caffeine addict. Frank wondered if he could get Gerard’s attention, make him realize that he wasn’t supposed to be here, so he stood in the shadows and lit a cigarette, and before long, Gerard glanced in his direction. 

“Frank?” he said. “You look...different.” 

Frank puffed on his cigarette and then said, “Do you ever think that life might just be a fever dream? That we might be something more than just prep school students?” 

“Uhh...no?” Gerard said. 

Frank frowned, and after a long silence, he decided to try something else. “Gee, I think you and I should be in an emo band together,” he said. 

“But I’m just a socially awkward croquet player…” 

“And you’re an amazing singer too.” 

Gerard smiled and then asked, “Do you even play an instrument, Frank?” 

“I play the guitar.” 

“Cool, but don’t we need more people?” 

“Yeah. We can ask Ray and Mikey to join.” 

“And what are we going to call the band?” 

“I don’t know. Ask Mikey.” 

“I Don’t Know Ask Mikey. That’s an...interesting name.” 

Frank didn’t even bother to correct him - he was too excited about the possibility of getting the band back together. Maybe, once they were in a band again, they would all break free of Agatha’s mind control. 

Except that wasn’t what happened. Even when they played iconic MCR songs like Helena, Welcome To The Black Parade, I’m Not Okay (I Promise), no one other than Frank seemed to notice that they weren’t teenagers anymore, that Pencey Prep wasn’t a real school, that there was something deeply wrong with this entire universe. Frank tried everything - smashing guitars, kissing Gerard on the cheek during band practice, tackling him when he proclaimed himself to be the “master of the wicket” - but nothing worked. Sometimes, it felt like he was stuck in this hell, like he’d never get his old life back. 

Then again, Gerard wasn’t in control of this thing. 

Agatha was. 

So Frank decided to go after her. 

One day, Frank stuffed his tiny little body into her locker, and as soon as she walked by, Frank sprung out, scaring her. “Frank!” she screamed. “What was that for?” 

Frank didn’t respond. Instead, he adjusted his tie and walked away, desperately hoping that Agatha might notice that he wasn’t under her control anymore, that this entire simulation was nothing but torture for her small army of fake high schoolers. 

Why had she created Pencey Prep anyways? Frank couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to relive high school, that miserable stage of adolescence filled with school bullies and standardized tests. When they were tearing your aspirations to shreds, there was nothing to do but darken your clothes or strike a violent pose.

So that was what Frank did. 

He came to school the next day wearing a color that was somehow even darker than black, and when he approached Agatha, he told her, “You know, you have something in your eye.” 

“I have a boyfriend, Frank,” Agatha said, but nevertheless, she leaned closer to him, taking in his leather jacket and tattoos. “Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve always wanted a bad boy.” 

However, when Frank and Agatha were close enough to kiss, Frank brushed away a stray eyelash and then walked away, causing Agatha to swoon. “Ooh, he’s playing hard to get,” she said as she ogled the miniscule bad boy.

As Frank walked past the rows of lockers, he noticed someone else watching him. It was Tobey, and he looked absolutely heartbroken seeing Frank almost kiss someone else. In fact, the bespectacled wall-crawler looked like he was about to cry. 

Frank approached Tobey, and as he did, he remembered what Mikey had said before they’d entered the anomaly. He’d bitten Tobey once, and he’d acquired his spider powers, but if that were true, wouldn’t it mean that Tobey had his powers too? Maybe he’d somehow acquired Frank’s willpower, his resistance to mind control. 

If that was true, then all Frank needed to do was reawaken Tobey’s Frank Iero powers, and he had just the plan for that. 

“Are you okay, Tobey?” Frank asked, and Tobey nodded slightly. “Maybe a trip to Hot Topic will cheer you up.” 

“Hot Topic?” Tobey said. “What’s that?” 

“Only _the_ quintessential store for mid-2000s emo teenagers,” Frank said. “Come on. I’ll take you there.” 

Frank hopped onto his motorcycle, and Tobey reluctantly climbed on as well. As Tobey held onto Frank, the greasy rat slammed his tiny foot onto the accelerator, and the two of them raced toward the shopping mall. 

As soon as they got there, Frank jumped off of his motorcycle and sprinted, his short legs running as fast as they could just to get to the mall goth mecca that was Hot Topic. Tobey followed him, but when he followed Frank through those dungeon-like gates, he heard loud emo music blaring through the speakers. “Frank?” he said, vaguely concerned, but Frank was too busy searching for just the right jet black shirt to pay any attention. 

A few minutes later, Frank ran up to Tobey, carrying a black collared shirt, black pants, and a black jacket. “Try this on,” he said as he threw the outfit toward the web-slinger. 

Tobey went into the dressing room, and when he emerged, he turned to Frank and said, “I don’t know about this, Frank. It just...doesn’t seem like me?” 

“Tobey, you look great,” Frank said. “Let me just try something.” He stood on his tiptoes, took off Tobey’s glasses, and then played with his hair until he had a perfect emo fringe. 

Tobey then looked in the mirror again, and with a slight smile, he said, “This is something else.” 

“Do you like it?” Frank asked. 

“It’s rad,” Tobey said, and when he started snapping his fingers, Frank knew that his plan had worked. Tobey’s Frank Iero powers had returned. 

“Wait a minute,” Tobey said, still doing his emo dance while the Hot Topic employees watched in fascination and/or horror. “We’re not high school students. It’s been Agatha all along! She brainwashed us!” 

He suddenly stopped dancing and leaned against a display of Paramore T-shirts, almost knocking it over. Frank laughed as he tried to fix the display, while Tobey moped in classic emo fashion. “It was like...it was like I wasn’t in control of myself,” he said, again looking like he might burst into tears at any moment. “I couldn’t think anything that Agatha didn’t want me to think, or do anything that Agatha didn’t want me to do. I didn’t even know who you were, Frank! She treated me like a puppet, and...oh God...Andrew, Mikey, Tahani, Torgo, Gerard, Aunt May...they’re all still in there, being treated like dirt by the ‘popular kids.’ I felt so unlike me, Frank, and I remember a time when someone could love me…” 

All of a sudden, Frank’s lips collided with his, and when they broke apart for a moment, Frank whispered, “I love you, Tobey.” 

“I love you too, Frank,” Tobey said. He passionately kissed Frank, but before long, Frank backed away. 

“We’re still in the middle of Hot Topic,” Frank reminded him. 

“So?” Tobey said. 

“So we might want to wait,” Frank said. “But don’t worry - once we’re out of the Pencey Prep anomaly, I’ll show you some real Danger Days.” 

Frank winked, and Tobey’s heart raced as he held onto Frank and shot a web out of Hot Topic. “Do you have to do that?” Frank asked, terrified. 

“Do what?” Tobey asked, jumping around like crazy. 

“Make that spider web,” Frank said. “It’s scary.” 

“Trust me, it’s way better than walking, and besides, I think I have a plan for how to defeat Agatha,” Tobey said. He smiled and then, with a chaotic look in his eyes, he added, “You better hold on tight, spider monkey,” before he swung out of the mall, and now that he had his boyfriend back, Frank was too relieved to panic. 

Back at Pencey Prep, Gerard had just gotten his test back, and to his delight, he’d gotten exactly the grade he wanted. “YES!” he shouted. “I GOT AN F!” 

Just as someone punched him in the face, Tobey and Frank swung into the room. “You look different,” Gerard said as soon as they landed. “Frank, did you give Tobey an unnecessary makeover?” 

“Maybe,” Frank said. “By the way, prom is tonight.” 

“So?” Gerard said. “I wasn’t planning to go.” 

“Soup!” Frank shouted, and all of a sudden, one of Frank’s ridiculously well-trained puppies bounded across town, crossed into the anomaly, and walked right up to Gerard, holding a sign. When Gerard looked closer, he saw that it read, “Prom? - Frank and Tobey.” 

“Aww,” Gerard said as he played with Frank’s dog. “Of course I’ll go to prom with you!” 

So that night, Frank, Gerard, and Tobey, along with Ray, Tahani, Mikey, and Andrew, showed up at Pencey Prep for their high school prom. Of course, as soon as they got there, they ran into Agatha, wearing a prom dress and a tiara. 

“Oh, Frank!” she said. “I didn’t know you were coming!” 

Frank gestured toward Gerard and Tobey and said, “Actually, I came with my…” 

Before Frank could finish his sentence, Agatha’s boyfriend, the football star, the most popular kid in school, the Prom King, arrived. 

“Ey there,” he said as he adjusted his crown. “Oi'm Arry Stoiles.” 

“Nice to meet you, Arry,” Frank said, but the boy with the windswept brown hair punched him in the face. “Ow!” Frank shouted. “What was that for?” 

“You’re trying to steal my watermelon sugar!” 

“Look at Little Harry Jr.,” Tobey said. “Gonna cry?” However, no one paid any attention to him, everyone hoping that his emo phase was in fact just a phase. 

“Actually, I wasn’t!” Frank said to Arry. “I’m gay!” 

“But you can’t be,” Agatha said. “I’ve crafted this story so perfectly. My gay best friend is allowed to be gay, and no one else is. Especially not my sexy bad boy.” 

While Agatha flirted with Frank, the Prom King seethed, and the emo guitarist desperately tried to come up with a way out of this situation, Ray and Tahani were in the gym, slow dancing to the cheesiest love song in existence. “I don’t care if you’re my best friend’s brother,” Tahani said. “I love you, Ray Toro.” 

“I love you too, Tahani Al-Jamil,” Ray said. 

“I’m still confused by that plot,” Tobey said as he strutted over to the gym, occasionally making finger guns as he did so. “Does Torgo even have a brother?” 

“I have no idea, but that’s not important right now!” Frank exclaimed as he ran toward the croquet court. He returned with croquet mallets, and as soon as he’d given one to each of his friends, he whacked Agatha Harkness on the head with his mallet. 

“Ow!” she shouted. “That hurt, Frank!” 

As Agatha held onto her head, Frank looked around, and it seemed like Agatha was losing control of her spell. Some people looked around, confused, while others screamed into the void, trapped in the hell that was high school. 

Just as Frank was about to run up to Agatha again, she started floating in the air, and even with his croquet mallet, she was out of reach. “You’ll never make me leave, Frank,” she said. 

All of a sudden, Andrew Garfield swung toward her on his web, and he slammed his croquet mallet into her head, causing Agatha to fall to the ground and freeing everyone in the Pencey Prep anomaly. “And you’ll never stop us,” Andrew said to the fallen witch. “Because we are the masters of the wicket.” 

Agatha tried to send an energy blast toward Andrew, but before she could move, Frank, Gerard, and Mikey surrounded her, croquet mallets in hand, while Torgo and Tahani ran back in from the gym, and Tobey and Andrew shot web at her from a distance. “That was pretty awesome, Andrew,” Tobey said as he stuck to the wall and shot another web in Agatha’s direction. 

“Really?” Andrew said. “You think so?” 

“Yeah,” Tobey said. “You should be Spider-Man more often.” He saw the look of utter delight on Andrew’s face, and he smiled. “Every other Tuesday, maybe?” 

“Sounds perfect,” Andrew said. 

With all of them working together, it was no time at all before they finally defeated the Wicked Witch of Westview. “You can’t do this to me,” Agatha said. “You were supposed to be minor characters! Window dressing for my perfect high school experience!” 

“You took us away from our family and friends,” Tobey said. “You erased our memories and our personalities. You treated us like puppets. You made our lives as miserable as you could…” 

“But it’s high school!” Agatha exclaimed. “High school’s fun! Think of the parties! The football games! Prom!” 

“We aren’t exactly the type of people who had an okay time in high school,” Tobey said. “You tortured us, Agatha.” 

“But didn’t you like being a croquet-playing nerd? That was your role, wasn’t it?” 

“People aren’t that simple, Agatha. I may be a croquet-playing nerd, but I’m also...Spider-Man!” 

“No...no...you’re not…” Agatha said as Tobey flipped his glorious emo hair. “You’re just the captain of the croquet team...nothing more…” 

She tried waving her hand again, but Tahani whacked her on the wrist with a croquet mallet. “Don’t you try to make me into a croquet player again,” she said. “I am the greatest party planner on Earth, and don’t you dare forget it.” 

“And I’m the satyr-like guitarist who’s in love with her,” Torgo said as he wrapped an arm around his wife. 

“I’m actually an astrophysicist!” one of the former jocks shouted. 

“And I’m actually a firefighter!” one of Agatha’s cheerleader friends exclaimed. 

“And Oi’m a chart-topping British pop soinger!” Arry Stoiles said. He then turned to Agatha and said, “Come on, babe. You ave to let us go.”

That was when Agatha began to sing. 

_No, no, no  
Stick to the stuff you know  
It is better by far to keep things as they are  
Don't mess with the flow, no, no  
Stick to the status quo…_

“I knit in my spare time!” 

“I arrange flowers!” 

“I’m obsessed with dragons!”

“I’m secretly an eldritch abomination!”

“I play the cello!” 

By this point, even Agatha was starting to realize that people couldn’t be shoehorned into high school cliques and have any hope of being happy, but was she supposed to care? She was insidious, so perfidious, so instead of letting her little puppets go, she waved her hand, hoping that her last attempt at putting them under her spell might work this time…

As soon as he saw what she was trying to do, Tobey webbed her up until she was completely immobilized, and at last, the Pencey Prep students were free. 

And that was exactly when Aunt May walked into the room. 

“It...it’s not what you think,” Tobey said, backing away from the web in a last-ditch effort to hide his secret identity. 

However, Aunt May simply gave her nephew a hug and said, “I’m so proud of you, Tobey.” 

“Y-you are?” Tobey said. 

“Of course,” Aunt May said. “And if Uncle Ben were here, he would be too.” Tears started to well up in Tobey’s eyes, but when Aunt May looked up at him, she laughed and asked, “What did you do to your hair?” 

Tobey was about to flip his glorious emo hair again, but before he could, Mikey ran in with a bucket of Brain Bleach and splashed some on Tobey, just enough to make him lose his Frank Iero powers. “Oh God,” he said as he brushed his hair out of his face. “Did I give myself bangs again?” 

Aunt May smiled and said, “We all make mistakes.” She then turned to Agatha and said, “Don’t you dare mess with my nephew ever again,” and although Agatha tried to respond, the webbing over her mouth made it impossible to hear her. 

Perhaps that was for the best. 

“How’s Gerard doing?” Aunt May asked Tobey. 

“Do you have to ask about him every time you see me?” Tobey said, although honestly, he could talk about Gerard and how perfect he was all day. 

“Tobey, I’m just glad that you’ve found someone who makes you happy.” 

Tobey smiled and said, “He’s doing great, Aunt May.” However, when he looked over at his two boyfriends, he saw that Gerard was freaking out over something or another. 

“Wait, you’re telling me that I was a teenager?!” Gerard exclaimed. “Teenagers scare the living shit out of me!” 

Tobey swung over to Frank and Gerard on his web, and as he wrapped his arms around the lead singer of MCR, he said, “It’s okay. Everything’s back to normal now.” 

“Thank goodness,” Gerard said. “I missed you a lot, Tobey.” 

“I missed you too,” Tobey said. 

“So do you want to go back to my place after this?” Gerard said. “We can watch a movie, order pizza…” 

“Hell yes,” Frank said. 

“That sounds amazing, Gee,” Tobey said with a smile. He then turned to the others and said, “Come on, everybody. Let’s go home.” 

Some time later, they all met again, but this time, it was in Aunt May’s office at the New York City Mental Health Center. Agatha, in an attempt to show remorse for her actions, had decided to pay for everyone to attend one of Aunt May’s healing circles, and today, everyone was here: Mikey, Torgo, Tahani, Andrew, Tobey, Frank, Gerard, even Arry Stoiles. 

“I...I’m so sorry,” Agatha stammered. “What I did was inexcusable, and I know you’ll never forgive me for it. I’m no hero, but I’ll try to be better…” 

The former Pencey Prep students nodded - none of them were going to forgive Agatha any time soon, but at least they were recovering from their experience inside the anomaly, all of the things they’d said and done when they were under Agatha’s control. 

“Oh, Agatha,” Aunt May said. “I believe there’s a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride.” 

“Even someone like me?” 

“Especially someone like you. You’re better than you think you are.” 

After the healing circle was over, Frank, Gerard, Torgo, Tahani, Mikey, and Tobey decided to stick around for a while. “Thanks for everything, Aunt Mayngo,” Tobey said as he handed her a bag of dried fruit.

“My mangoes!” Aunt May said, delighted. “Thank you, Tobey.” 

“No, thank you,” Torgo said suddenly. “You’ve helped me a lot, and not just with everything that happened in Pencey Prep. You always have such wise advice.” 

“Aunt May is the best, isn’t she?” Tobey said. 

“You know what I still don’t get?” Mikey said. “Why did Agatha even make a high school in the first place? What’s the point?” 

“Maybe she just had a lot of psychological trauma and decided to escape into a fantasy world instead of going to therapy like a normal person,” Gerard suggested. 

“No, that can’t be,” Andrew said as he turned on Aunt May’s computer and opened up a search engine. 

“Bing?” Tobey said as he looked over Andrew’s shoulder. “That’s the worst search engine out there.” 

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it,” Andrew said as he typed “Why did Agatha Harkness make a fake high school?” into Bing.

“You’re not going to find anything relevant,” Gerard said as he sipped on his coffee. 

“Especially when you’re using Bing,” Frank added. 

Sure enough, there were pages upon pages of irrelevant Wikipedia articles, but on page five, Andrew found something that looked like it might be useful. He clicked on the link, and a video popped up. When he watched it, I’m Not Okay began to play, accompanied by footage that looked like it had somehow come from inside the Pencey Prep anomaly. 

“What is this?” Gerard asked as he watched Mikey puffing on his inhaler, Ray spinning around in a swivel chair, Frank kissing his cheek during band practice. 

“I don’t know,” Andrew answered, but when he scrolled down, he saw something strange. 

There were two words, written in Comic Sans, of all fonts. 

“Indoctrination: Failed.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Gerard asked. 

“This is weirder than that time than that time my good friend Tommy Wiseau and I played football in tuxedos with a sentient spoon,” Tahani said. 

“Hang on,” Andrew said. “I think there’s more.” 

As Andrew scrolled down, Gerard, Tobey, Frank, Torgo, Tahani, and Aunt May all watched, fascinated, and when they saw what was at the bottom of the page, they all gasped. 

“The Ugly Barnacle Initiative,” Tobey read, laughing. 

“That’s not all,” Gerard said as he glanced toward the logo next to those words.

“Stark Industries?!” Tobey exclaimed. “It’s been Tony Stark all along!!”


End file.
